Into the solitude and back with GRATITUDE

“Appreciate all that you have before wanting more”

I live a ridiculously good life. I am grateful. My connections are meaningful, I work hard, I do meaningful things in my career, in my relationships and family. I have so many pleasures, I have so much fun. Lately though, I wasn’t feeling too grateful. I wasn’t seeing things clearly, not from a place of love.

Now things have changed. This is how life feels to me now (in words, which we both know could never do a feeling justice). I ran around on the lawn naked, I look up at the stars and I can see the milky way, bright and milky, away from the city lights. A canopy of the tallest tress surrounds me. I run across the bridge, jump into the hot tub and look down into the rainforest creek. A noise, a scuffle in the rainforest and I remember that I am in the middle of a living ecosystem.

I walk over to my favourite night time spot on the property, on my way running my hands along the bannisters with a light rainforest dew on them. The place is just perfect, on a gentle slope surrounded by lush trees falling away into the gully. A perfect place to view the drop of the rocky, rainforest creek, the surrounding valley walls and the canopy of old growth rainforest trees overhead. I was lying on the grass, connecting to mother earth when I heard an animal growl at me. It growled at me, territorially, aggressively. I was on the animals’ turf, outside the house and a part of the wild ecosystem surrounding me. I recognised my initial reaction of protecting my territory and house from the threat was a flawed way of thinking. I am so grateful to be able to witness (and live within) one of the very few wild places on earth, where humans haven’t completely disrupted the natural rhythms of life.

That’s one of the main reasons why Damien and I bought this property to live in and make our home of a lifetime. To be able to live in with nature, without having too much human- just a balanced amount. In a place where fences, roads, clearing and concrete haven’t prevented the trees from becoming (or remaining) a living forest with its own ecosystem, microclimate and connection to the living earth.

I live in a place where I can sit in my hot-tub, overlooking the creek under the bridge and hear an animal hunt, finding its prey in the rain forested, rocky creek below.

How could I not be grateful for that? I am now, but looking back at myself, compassionately, on when I could not see and be grateful for that around me.

A lack of gratefulness is negatively contributing to the out of balance global relationship with the living nature, that we depend on, that we are connected to, that sustains us.

If I was ungrateful, which I was, I would be bagging this beautiful rainforest home in the ‘I have & need to protect my property’ mental construct, putting it on the shelf, yet still running, searching, climbing, desiring more. Needing more to fill the gap that yet another great achievement, amazing pleasure, balancing relaxer or rare treasure did not fill -could not fill the hole in my heart.

I asked for healing, and love was my healing. Love and gratitude came and shone a light into every nook and cranny of my heart, mind, body and soul. Into my relationships, my beliefs and my work. Love and gratitude, and honouring our connection to the earth and the fabric between the people we love. I saw and honoured my place to play well in this life. My place to stand up and state my truth, be grateful for all that I have, and to share all that I have with beautiful people who are seeking what I am giving.

I was resisting being a leader. I was keeping myself small in a state of victimhood. Focusing on the negative and the hardship to the degree that it pushed everything good out. It’s only now, of the other side of healing that I can see how badly I was affected by a kind of depression. I was unable to experience any pleasure without a big rest on either side of it. So out of balance trying to meet the demands of this ‘balanced’ living. Pouring too much of myself into work, rallying, fighting against the injustice (of women being treated poorly in engineering / construction and for the indigenous communities). Fighting, I realised is creating the enemy, and soon I started to see the enemy everywhere. The only way to heal was to approach every situation with gratitude. It’s all about energy. Low energies. Fighting, anger, victimisation, sadness. I stuck myself into a suck hole of these things, in my yearning to make a difference and find meaning in my work. And in loosing perspective, in loosing balance I was no longer able to be effective in contributing the light that I may have otherwise been able to shine.

Finding the light is the first, the primary and the most important, and first step. Trying to to separate my work, my money from me and my life and having to put my health or life-balance in the future was a flawed perspective. Finding health, through a feeling of love, light and gratitude, I realised, is the first step to a good life. Otherwise we are just consuming, relationships, goods, experiences, anything and everything to fill the gap.

I was resisting being a leader. I was collecting support where I wasn’t putting the deserved energy back into. Was it because I was resiting becoming what everybody who held me in high esteem saw me as? As a silent fuck you – an “I’ll break free of the ties of what you want me to be and I’ll do the opposite just to prove I can”? Was it because I carried a lot hurt in my heart and felt unworthy to lead? But I am a leader. A leader in finding a good balance, living with nature, one foot in the system and one without, an adventure healing practitioner pioneer.

I am a pioneer. I am a pioneer adventure healer. I understand what it is to experience great shifts in healing from trauma with the joy of facing and overcoming your own self-set (and false) limits in a backdrop of awe-inspiring nature. I am a trailblazer. At work I trailblaze for women in engineering and construction having a balanced life where women can operate and contribute in alignment with their natural gifts. I am a community builder. I recognise people at their pure inner core. I see them for their best version of themselves and can see how to connect people for their own mutual benefit, enjoyment and growth. It’s all about energy. I gotta keep myself high on life. Keep appreciating, loving and taking the time to feel and enjoy this wonderful life of ours.

The kingdom of heaven lies within each of us