Kayelene the rock, honesty, stability, selfless support, the voice of reason. The true friend to my past, present and future. A gift of life’s unexpected and wonderful unfolding.

Some people go through a lifetime never finding a friend like this. I wish that wasn’t true, for their sakes, although I’m sure that it is (based on absolutely no evidence other than an unwavering gut feeling), because girls like this just don’t come around all that often.

Its funny that she found me right when I needed her, but she would say that I found her. I wooed her with my openness and my intensity and my interest in her, and she, being impressed and never having experienced that from a friend before, let me in. To be honest, I was actually just being my natural self at the start of our friendship, my interest and enthusiasm wasn’t anything extra particularly for her, but because she valued my attention and thought it special, it became very special to me too.

And then we fed off each other, and it quickly became incredibly special to us both. To the point where it was blinding for a while and we had blinkers on for only each other. Interesting, you say, to experience that within the bounds of friendship (both of us having our own exclusive partners), and I would tend to agree with you. We were only carried away for a little while, and it was exceptionally fun while it was all consuming. And I am grateful for that intensity because it provided a unique and solid base for our true friendship which developed after.

I started deeply feeling how lucky I was to have her once she showed me that she was no fairweather friend. She was willing to be uncomfortable to tell me what she thought I needed to hear. She cared for me through the storm, even when I wasn’t capable of choosing good for myself, even when I wouldn’t listen, even when I pushed her away. She stood steady through it all and just wanted the best for me, she shone a light into the valley of my confusion and darkness and lit a way out. The path was for me to take on my own, but I had her cheering me on, waiting for me in the sunlight on the beach at the other side.

Kayelene was the first person who helped me to feel worthy as a friend. She made me feel like my friendship wasn’t balanced on a house of cards, which would topple at the slightest disturbance. I could never truly explain what her friendship has done for me, and what it means to me, but I will try anyway, because I want her to know. I started to believe because of her. I started to believe that I wouldn’t be abandoned at the drop of a hat if I was a burden, even if I was just trouble momentarily. I had never let myself be fully real in any of my relationships; I had always tried to fit within the bounds of what other person wanted and expected of me. The reasons for that insecurity were deep, partly due to intermittent periods of childhood trauma and also by learning to deal with the world in a different way as someone with ADHD. I previously had always put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, and in my striving for false perfection I had actually stunted my genuine, flawed, but human growth.

I was in a 7-year relationship living out that very reality when I met Kayelene. At this stage in the relationship I was at the point where I would actually suppress even my thoughts if they didn’t fit into the image of the person that I thought I was meant to be. Looking back, now that I am healthy, it just seems so terrible that I was willingly shackled into a prison of mind and soul. Every thought, every action was passed though a filter of ‘would he want me to say, do, act like that’? I didn’t know who I was, just a mere shadow of a human trying to please my love, trying to gauge how I should be based on the feedback from others. Living like that is invalidation in the flesh, and even though I know I will never be in that position again, my heart goes out to my younger self and any other person who feels afraid to reach out and express or discover their true selves.

Back to Kayelene. I have come to think of her as a genius. She saw how deep my allegiance lay with my boyfriend at the time and my suppression of self. She took things slowly, accepted them as they were and gently showed me another way. She has since described to me that during that time, when I was alone and feeling free, my true light would intermittently burst through the invisible prison. She innately knew, months before I knew myself, that I was trapped in my mind. I don’t know why she decided to help set me free, why she thought me worth the effort. She is an angel in my eyes. 

Once I left him I was destined for a rollercoaster of extremes, of making up for lost time and growth, for pushing myself in the hope to learn all that which I had suppressed. I became very selfish during that time. I went in the world like a maniac on a mission and did not think of my friends, even when travelling Europe with them. I often went solo and chased my own desires without considering their own. And yet, even though I was not the best friend to her, Kayelene stood patiently by, forgiving me, loving me, accepting me for all my faults. I asked her why she had put up with all of my drama and bullshit and she just told me ‘girl, come on! You had just broken up with your boyfriend. You were bound to make mistakes. I just wanted the best for you’.  Once again showing me that I was her friend. I was humbled then, and I still am now. I always will be appreciative for this girl who I have been blessed to have in my life.

Our story has continued on for nearly four years since that time. Both doing everything we can to be there for each other. To support one-another. To understand, be patient and show acceptance when the other goes through a tough time. To encourage the other to deepen their growth. And we have shared more than a few good nights together at trance festivals, more than a few delicious food sessions with home baked treats, more than a few multi-hour phone calls.

She’s getting married next year. I flew home to surprise her for her engagement party last year. We’ve started a bloody legacy of a friendship, and its one that I’ll never give up on.

I love you to the end of the universe and back, in the unknown spaces that trance takes me to and for the entirety of my life, Kayelene. Infinity.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3 

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