Dangerous game
…..pondering on the beach in Chicago, not hating the player but the game, accepting and realising the necessity of it all…….
drip drip drip. what a dangerous game we play – allowing someone into our lives. There are so many opportunities to misunderstand each other, so many instances where people are too weak or confused to portray the appropriate emotion. The emotion which corresponds to what we want, the thing that we have thought out and have logically decided makes sense for our lives.
‘oh hey, I like you, and it makes sense for us to be together’ and then show some care, some attention, some effort to spend time together. And if the other person reciprocates, then you would go down that rabbit hole, together.
But what if the other person reciprocates without thinking. What if they don’t really care about you, and they are just looking for some attention, or some healing (in the case of a rebound). What about if you are reading so deeply into their actions but they are just going with the flow – and all it will take is you stepping one step too far for them to take a good hard look at the situation, decide that they didn’t choose this and back the hell away from you.
You can play it safe, or you can go all in, but no matter which way you go, if the other person isn’t right there wanting to walk the road beside you then you better be ready for a bruised and bumpy path.
I’ve learnt that in the early stages you have to look to yourself. You can’t rely on the other person to catch your fall. You have to toe the line for a long time while you figure out what is really going on between the two of you. Even if that special person is obviously drawing you in, ever deeper, sometimes you wake up washed out on the other side only to realise that while it was real for them at the time, they were actually confused about their emotions, or they were not ready to be consumed by another.
God do I wish people would know what they want and then be able to go for it, communicating along the way so that both people can go on journey that they are comfortable riding. Not, on the other hand, an irresistible pull in to the depths, towards each other (jump and I’ll catch you – aka jump and I’ll watch you fall) which turns into them pulling away for fear of vulnerability or connection. It leaves you asking WHY. Especially when you are already in too far. Haha (not really) kicking yourself and asking why you hadn’t been able to just go a little bit slower. So many answers to so many whys. So many days spent wandering inside our own minds, driving oneself crazy trying to understand what if, what next, what else.
I don’t know the answer. And I know that in the past I haven’t always had the strength to be honest to my ex’s when I was leaving them. I couldn’t bear to say the words…..’I just didn’t like you enough’. But now that I’m on the other side, begging for mercy, pleading for a release from these four walls, yearning for freedom. I’m ready to make a promise to my future loves that I will have the courage to be cruel, if only for a moment. Because to be cruel in that moment is a lesser evil than having the person who loves you holding on to the future that you are sure could never be.
It took me 27 years to be this healthy. But I am proud that I was able to treat myself with a little more respect than I had in the past – this time I was able to walk away from my love’s uncertainty before it had gone too far. I put down my pride and played love’s fool once. I gave it a long, hard, chance. But when the ripples cleared I saw only more of the same in the looking glass; I decided that I would have to be the one to walk away because I knew he didn’t want me in that moment but at the same time he didn’t have the energy to walk away from me.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3
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